Divorce and my "sort of" niece

My ex-brother-in-law and his wife just had a baby girl, which makes her my sort-of-niece. Divorce really does make things very complicated. For example, while married to my ex-husband, his sister had a baby - my niece. But now that I am no longer married to him, his brother's daughter is not my niece. So that means that in one family, I am only "Aunt Kim" to a select few.

This may not be an issue for some divorced families because they never see their ex-in-laws ( I like to lovingly refer to them as my "out-laws"!). But in our case, God has brought so much healing and forgiveness to our situation, I am almost as close to my out-laws as I was when we were in-laws!

It was a terrible time when my husband said he no longer wanted to be married to me. My daughter was 15-months-old and we had just learned we were expecting another baby. I made a shirt for our little girl that said, "I'm the Big Sister," and when my husband's parents came over for dinner, that's how we announced the news. Well, that's how I announced the news. I didn't realize what was going on in my husband's heart and mind. He was already on his way out and just wasn't sure how to swing it.

Within a few days, he let the rest of us in on this little secret and thus began the crisis. I was so afraid of being a single mom to TWO babies! "Why, God? You knew he was planning this? Why on earth would you allow me to get pregnant when you knew he was leaving?"

I'm sad to admit that I prayed out of desperation that He would take the unborn child to heaven with Him. I pictured our future - mine and the two babies' - moving from our comfortable, middle-class neighborhood in the city back to a trailer park in my small hometown in central Kansas, me smoking cigarettes on the front deck while the babies played in the dirt in their Pampers.

But that wasn't how God pictured my future. Of course, we would have survived that future. Many families live on very little with only a mom to support them, and He is faithful. But God kept me where I was. He surrounded me with old friends and new ones who stepped up to help me limp through the darkness, trusting His light at the unseen end of the tunnel.

And he also surrounded me with family. Not just my mother, who made the three-hour trip from her house to mine almost every weekend during that time. But extended family, like cousins living in different states, began e-mailing me scripture verses and lyrics from hymns to provide me with strength I couldn't muster on my own.

What amazes people the most, however, is that my husband's family stood by me. What a horrible time for them, trying to love their son unconditionally while hating his choices. It was always awkward, and not always pleasant. But we loved each other through the threshing. Some pieces of the lives we knew fell to the floor to be swept away. But others remained intact, and bonded even more tightly.

Today, my ex-husband is remarried and lives in another state. I, too, remarried when my daughter was 4 and my son was 2. Today they are 11 and 9, and they have two men they call "Daddy" that they love without guilt.

Last summer, my ex's family came to visit us. My ex, his wife, his sister and her family, and his parents were all here, having dinner together in my home. We laughed and chatted. We shared stories about the kids. We looked at calendars to plan future visits and vacations. And then we all went to my daughter's softball game and cheered her on from the same section in the bleachers. It's nice. And it can be that way for anyone who trusts the Lord and chooses to forgive.

But God hates divorce for a reason. It's not His ideal because it's not what's ideal for the children He loves. Although our situation is as good as they could be for the most part, there are still times when the kids ask why we can't all live together. They see us get along now and are confused as to why our marriage ended in the first place. They start to wish that their dad and I had stayed married, but then realize they'd have to throw out the two new spouses whom they love, and that seems unbearable as well.

And then this week, when my ex's brother and his wife had their first baby, I celebrated. I praised God and prayed for their marriage to stay strong and intact during the parenting years. I prayed for healing for the new baby as she experienced some difficulties and had to transfer to the pediatrics unit for an extended stay.

But one thing I wasn't able to do was announce that I have a new niece. I'm not related to her. I will watch my kids call her their cousin, but she will never be my niece. And that is just one of the sad complications of divorce.